A Mother Remembers… September 12, 2007

When I woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m., I immediately began the journey back to September 12, 1998.  Nine years ago today shortly before 5:00 a.m. I was awakened by my nurse telling me my son was not doing well.  By the time I got both of my kids on the school bus today the hour had already passed when nine years ago my son took his last breath here on earth.  If I was honest I would say that although the date of September 12 never passed without my awareness of what that day stood for, I often spent the day running from the memories.  I don’t often allow myself to recall the events of that early morning.  For the first few years, I didn’t feel entitled to be sad.  Because of having a twin pregnancy I was able to bring one baby home.  But now when I allow myself to recall how it felt holding my tiny baby boy, all of 2lb 7ozs, for the first time….well words seem to fall short.  I felt my heart swell out of my chest at the elation of having this baby I carried for 30 weeks finally in my arms.  It was an amazing feeling of completeness.  But as quickly as my heart swelled, it busted into a million pieces when I heard the doctor call out his time of death.  For those brief moments I was simply a new mom holding her brand new baby boy for the first time.  I was enjoying the shape of his nose and the fuzz on his head.  There was no room in that moment for the reality that he was dying or the knowledge that the first time I held him would also be my last.

I’m not the same person I was when I was admitted to the hospital back in 1998.  The experience of those 3 shorts days with both of my first sons has left its mark.  But I’m not running anymore.  Today I allowed my memory to take me back to that moment when they first laid Chase in my arms.  I am letting my heart remember the details of his little face and his tiny little hands.  I am giving myself permission to revel in the completeness that his life brought to mine.  The pain of having that bond severed is still part of that memory but without the pain I would have never experienced the tremendous comfort and healing that God has provided for me.  That alone gives me a hope that still sustains me through this life nine years later.

 

God bless,

Renee

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Caleb & Ian: A Father’s Story September 8, 2007

For those of you who don’t know, my wife and I had to deliver our 

still born twins two nights ago at 17 weeks.  We have been trying for 

these babies for 10 years and through the miracle of fertility 

medicines and procedures we became pregnant with these wonderful 

lives.  Of course, we are emotionally devastated and still don’t 

understand the depth of our grief and sorrow. The next few months, all 

that will play out.  All we know that our God is still Sovereign.  For 

many, this could of shaken their faith and maybe even keep God distant 

for a time.  For us, this has strengthened our faith and made our 

trust and love for God so much stronger and deeper. I can say that 

Andrea and I feel closer and more intimate bond with God now than ever 

before.  As we held these babies in our hands and said goodbye to them 

for the time we are on this earth, we worshipped and thanked God for 

them.  In 2 Samuel we see the same situation with David

16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his 

house and spent the nights lying on the ground. 

17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground,

 but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. 

 18 On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to 

tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child 

was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How 

can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." 

 19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves 

and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. 

 "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." 

 20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on 

lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD 

and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they 

served him food, and he ate. 

 21 His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the 

child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, 

you get up and eat!" 

 22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. 

I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the 

child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I 

bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 

 24 Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and 

lay with her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. 

There is no other option for Andrea and I but to trust God. True trust 

is trusting him when he doesn’t answer. Trust is not authentic when we 

have an escape route or a backup plan if God doesn’t come through.  We 

have no other option but to draw closer to God and know that he will 

work everything out to our good, because we love and serve him. Just 

like God gave David, Solomon, maybe he will give us another 

opportunity for a child. Andrea and I did and will continue to praise 

him through this storm and every storm God walks us through.  The 

words of this song by Casting Crowns are the words of our heart right 

now

I was sure by now

that you would have reached down

and wiped our tears away

stepped in and saved the day

but once again, i say "amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as you mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the god who gives

and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm

and i will lift my hands

for you are who you are

no matter where i am

every tear i've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

Paul said that we should “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever 

you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of 

your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so 

that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”.  Andrea 

and I both understand that God has a reason for this storm and in his 

infinite wisdom he will unveil to us that reason.  It may be in a few 

months, a few years, or maybe in heaven.  Either way, he is a good God 

and wants to give us good gifts, because we are his Children and He is 

our Daddy.  Whether God answers our prayers or chooses to ignore our 

pleas, he will always offer calm and peace through the storm. He will 

stop the storm, or calm the child through the storm

All who sail the sea of faith 

Find out before too long 

How quickly blue skies can grow dark 

And gentle winds grow strong 

Suddenly fear is like white water 

Pounding on the soul 

Still we sail on knowing 

That our Lord is in control  

He has a reason for each trial 

That we pass through in life 

And though we're shaken 

We cannot be pulled apart from Christ 

No matter how the driving rain beats down 

On those who hold to faith 

A heart of trust will always 

Be a quiet peaceful place

Sometimes He calms the storm 

With a whispered peace be still 

He can settle any sea 

But it doesn't mean He will 

Sometimes He holds us close 

And lets the wind and waves go wild 

Sometimes He calms the storm 

And other times He calms His child

For the past week, my wife and I could not feel God, rather, it felt 

like God was turning his back on us. Everytime we pleaded and cried out 

for help. Last night, Andrea was shivering uncontrollably from the 

fever and the sorrow and emotions of the week. She had several muscle 

spasms and no matter how many people held her down, the shaking would 

not stop.  She started to worship and all of a sudden, peace entered 

the room and her body relaxed and was at rest.  She closed her eyes, 

and as she did she saw Jesus, like a man, with a circle of light 

around him.  In his two hands, Andrea saw both of our babies at full 

term, kicking and laughing.  Jesus was smiling and in his face, Andrea 

could tell that he was saying these babies are alright and they are 

waiting for her.

Thank-you so much for your prayers, emails, phone calls, visits and 

support.  It has not gone unnoticed to us and to God.  Our baby boys, 

Caleb Joshua and Ian Mackay are now in heaven dancing with Jesus. 

There are no tears, no pain, and no distress.  For the first time, 

they are smiling as they see the beauty and joy of heaven.  Our hope 

now, is the day when we meet them in heaven and we get to wrap our 

arms around them and pour out our love for them.  They are not gone, 

but only waiting for our arrival.  Jesus is taking care of them now, 

and I can’t think of anyone else’s arms and care I’d rather have them 

in. So what should our response be to these recent events.  As David 

did, we have no other option but to worship and thank God that he is 

still in control. God gives and takes away, but still my heart will 

choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord  

 

Lessons from Lazarus pt. 5 September 5, 2007

The final lesson that Mrs. Weaver teaches from the death and resurrection of Lazarus is this: 

5)     The “end” is never the end; it is only the beginning.  “I can only imagine what went through everyone’s mind when Jesus asked that the stone to Lazarus’ tomb be taken away.  Martha’s response in the King James’s translation is “Lord…he stinketh!”  Martha wasn’t getting the picture…You see, Martha had faith for what could have been…she had faith for what would be…but what Martha needed was faith for what was happening now.  It is the same question Jesus asks of us today: ‘Will you believe?’” 

“We will all die.  Lazarus eventually did…But never forget: the end is not the end.  It is only a beginning.  1 Corinthians 15:55 was written to remind us of this: ‘Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?’  And yet death does sting, even when we know better.  It hurts to leave behind the people we love.  It hurts to be the one left behind.  We will all encounter many more hurts on our journey toward the grave.  Sometimes the story of our lives seems like one painful episode after another.  And Jesus knew that.  Even though Jesus knew Lazarus was about to be raised from the dead, he understood Mary and Martha’s pain.  He did more than understand it.  He felt it too: ‘Jesus wept (John 11:35).’  Because Jesus loved this family from Bethany, he wept and he weeps with us as well.  Though Jesus knows our triumphant outcomes, though he sees the joyful ending just around the bend, he still gets down in the middle of our sorrow and holds us close, mingling his tears with our own.”

What do you think about the idea of the end being just a new beginning?  What new beginnings can you see in your own life?  Do you believe that Jesus grieves with you because what hurts you hurts him?  Are you ready for whatever this newest chapter in your life has to offer, or can you only see what you have lost?

Anxious to see you all for group in a few weeks…anxious to know how you’ve been…if there is anything you need, or if you want to talk, just call…Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me…I know what the book “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World” by Joanna Weaver has done to stretch me and I hope that you haven’t minded my sharing this chapter of it with you…Alaina

Lessons from Lazarus pt. 4 September 4, 2007

When I read the fourth Lesson from Lazarus, I felt a little overwhelmed…believing and obeying are things I’ve always felt that I did, but as you know by now, I’m learning more and more everyday what faith is all about…and usually it’s with a little help from the people around me!  But the idea that the God of the universe seriously wants to interact with me and be involved in every aspect of my life is something that I’m still trying to really grasp…and really put into practice in my everyday life…and that leads to the question of whether or not I let him work in my life…Mrs. Weaver’s fourth lesson touches on this very idea…

4)      God’s plan is released when we believe and obey. “The house in Bethany was most likely filled with people following Lazarus’s death…But when someone brought the news that Jesus was coming, it was Martha, who ran to meet him… With all of the anguished honesty of deep sorrow, Martha poured out her grief. ‘Lord,’ she cried, ‘if you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask (verse 22)’.  Instead of trying to rewrite the story of her brother’s death—instead of putting a comma where there was a period, or a period where there could be a comma—Martha was putting the quill of their lives in Jesus’ hands.  Do whatever you want, she was saying.  Punctuate as you please.  Thy will be done.  It is this kind of surrender and that kind of resolve that sets in motion the miraculous…  We are an integral part of the writing process of our lives…  Think about this: faith and obedience go hand in hand.  It takes faith to choose obedience, and if you’re like me, it takes obedience to choose faith when you’re quaking with fear.”

Punctuate as you please.  Thy will be done.  It is this kind of surrender and that kind of resolve that sets in motion the miraculous…

This statement is so powerful to me…the concept of believe and obey can change so much in our hearts and our lives.  Could you have said at the time of your loss–“Okay, God–punctuate as you please”?  Or even today, wherever you are in your grief journey–“Thy will be done”?  I thought I was at the time of my loss, though maybe I only did to a certain point…I believe I am today, but am I giving Him my all?  What about you–regardless of where you are with a relationship with God, what does the idea of letting him be in control mean to you?

Faith and obedience go hand in hand.  It takes faith to choose obedience, and if you’re like me, it takes obedience to choose faith when you’re quaking with fear…

Tell me this–does the statement on faith and obediance ring in your spirit?  Do you have the faith to obey what God is trying to work out in your life?   Or do you have the obediance to choose faith, even when it seems foreign, or you’re unsure?  Can you look back on the steps and stages of this chapter of your life and see the Lord working in and around your life, and yet still struggle with him at the core of who you are? 

Open yourself up to see what He’s been doing in your life.  You might be surprised by what you find.  Hoping this is touching you wherever you may be in your grief journey–hoping these lessons are stretching you.  Let us all know if they are…Alaina

Lessons from Lazarus pt. 3 September 3, 2007

Were you as blown away as I was reading the responses to pt. 2?  I love how hearing what speaks to each one of you and I love seeing how a different perspective can bring a fresh healing or outlook to my own situation as well as to yours!  Today I’m going to dig right into Lesson Three of the story of Lazarus–courtesy of Mrs. Joanna Weaver! 

3)     God’s ways are not our ways, but his character is still dependable.  “We can only trust people we know, says Martha Tennison, popular speaker. ‘If you’re struggling to trust God, it may be because you don’t really know God…You find out what you really believe in the darkest hours…You find out that the God you know is the God you can hold on too’…Even when his stories don’t unfold the way we think they should.”  Know this…God’s grammar is a little different than the grammar we’re used to.  He has two simple rules for us to follow:

a.      Never put a period where God puts a comma.  “Too often, according to Ray Stedman, we interpret God’s delays as God’s denials.  But the story of Lazarus tells us that ‘a delay in answer is not a sign of God’s indifference or his failure to hear.  It is a sign of his love.  The delay will help us and make us stronger.’  While God is never late, I’ve found he’s rarely early…Waiting four days to visit Lazarus and his sisters might have made him late for a healing, it made him right on time for a resurrection.  So never put a period where God puts a comma.  Just when you think the sentence is over, the most important part may be yet to come.”

b.      Don’t put a comma where God puts a period. “There are times in every life when God writes the end to a chapter, when he asks us to say good-bye to something or someone who has been important to us…Endings, in a sense, are inevitable.  Dead ends, failed possibilities, and brick walls will disappoint us all.  And when those endings come, we can fight them…Or we can accept them as Jesus did, coming from the Father’s hand.  Laura Barker Snow writes beautifully about these times: ‘My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear, that it may gild with glory any storm clouds which may arise, and smooth the rough places upon which you may have to tread. It is short, only five words, but let them sink into your inmost soul; use them as a pillow upon which to rest your weary head…THIS THING IS FROM ME.’ The Father knows best.  His periods may not be our periods.  His commas may not be our commas.  His ways may not be our ways.  But God is the One telling the story and we can trust him to take the tale in the right direction.  We can have faith that everything really will turn out all right.”

I feel like the principals of God’s style of grammar go hand in hand with Sunshine’s comments about believing UNTIL…One of the comments that Mrs. Weaver rights is as follows: “I wonder what Mary and Martha felt when they finally received word from Jesus.  They’d been waiting for days.  But instead of the Master, the only person they saw walking up their path was an out-of-breath courier with a message that must have rung hollow in their ears: ‘This sickness will not end in death.’  It’s hard to hope when hope is dead.  It’s hard to believe God’s promises when your brother’s body is lying in your living room.” 

We have all found ourselves in that place where the “rubber meets the road” and we find out what we are truly made of…as well as whether or not our value system, or outlook on life, is correct.  What do you think about the ideas of UNTIL that Sunshine wrote about with the last part and how does that fit in with your thoughts on God’s grammar lesson?  Do you feel like your grief journey started after a period or comma in the story of your life? 

What does the statement “God’s ways are not our ways, but his character is still dependable” mean to you?  Do you feel like God is dependable, or is he not to be trusted?  Do you find yourself wanting to know more about him, and yet still struggle with the why’s and why not’s in your heart?  Do you wonder if you really know him?

Share what your thoughts are on these lessons–I know what they have been doing in my heart and even more so with the fresh perspectives from your responses!  Thank you for being transparent!!  More to come…Alaina

Lessons from Lazarus pt. 2 September 2, 2007

Can you believe I’m back again today?  I can’t–ha-ha!  This week is the Fulton County Fair and we always get a lot at the campgrounds and enjoy the whole week…so needless to say I haven’t been home very much since Friday!  But I am committed to finishing the Lessons from the story of Lazarus.  Though no one as commented on yesterday’s post, I’m hoping and praying that you are reflecting on it and are maybe journaling on your own??  Be brave and share what you are thinking and feeling with the rest of it–we love to know where your individual journeys are taking you. 

Mrs. Joanna Weaver’s second lesson from the story of Lazarus is this (told again in her words!)…

2)     God’s love sometimes tarries for our good and his glory.  In the New Testament book of John, chapter 9 we find the story of Jesus and the man born blind.  “ ‘Rabbi,’ the disciples asked Jesus,’who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’…A reasonable question…the religious teachers of the day had developed the principle that…where there was affliction, there had to be sin.  The religious elite as well as common folk were big on cause and effect…We want explanations…we want to know why.  ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ Jesus answered in verse 3, ‘but this happened that the work of God might be displayed in his life.’  Because of a fallen world, a man was born blind.  But because of that man, Jesus Christ was glorified.  While we may never understand why God’s love (or miracle, or answer to prayer, or the evidence of his work in our lives) sometimes lingers, we can rest assured that God’s love is always at work.  He may not move according to our schedule, but he is right on time for what is best.” And what is best is all encompassing—God knows what is best for us and those around us at the same time.

What do you think about the idea that God’s timing is completely different from ours?  The blind man that Jesus healed in this story spent his whole life in darkness until Jesus came along…What are the differences in timing in your story that you question?  Do you wonder why you found out you were pregnant at all, if you were going to miscarry within a matter of days or weeks?  Do you ask in your heart why you had to endure the pain of this loss at all, when it could have been a textbook pregnancy, or a false alarm on the part of your physicians? 

How does the topic of Hope figure into this discussion on timing?  In my own story, I know that from the first sign of a problem until my labor was induced, I believed that everything could change in an instant, if it was God’s will.  There is a delicate balancing act to believe with Hope and Faith that God will intervene and still be aware of the realities of a situation.  How did you handle this balancing act?

Once again, I’m anxious to hear/read any thoughts you have!  Thinking of and praying for you guys…until next time…Alaina

Lessons from Lazarus pt. 1 September 1, 2007

Hello, wonderful ladies!  Let me start out by reminding you that not a day goes by when I’m not thinking about and praying for you…you are all special to me and I want to be sure you know that!

The past few weeks, I’ve been working my way through a devotional called “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World” by Joanna Weaver…for those of you who are interested in a devotional that will totally convict your heart and change your relationship with God to one that is REALLY intimate and REALLY personal, this book is for you!  I’ve had to take 4-5 days per chapter to reflect and let God reveal everything he wanted to tell me through that chapter…it’s been a working summer for God and I…

Today, I read the chapter “Lessons from Lazarus” and the whole outline of the chapter was so good and so appropriate for us as hurting moms, I thought I would share it with you guys…Here we go—I’m going to break this down into 5-6 daily posts, rather than one GIANT post—that’s the goal, anyways!:)

The story of Lazarus and his sisters, Martha & Mary, can be found in the New Testament–this part of their story can be found in the book of John, chapter 11.  These three siblings are special friends of Jesus and when Lazarus suddenly falls ill, his sisters send word to Jesus, believing for a miracle of healing.  Jesus tells his disciples specifically that this sickness will not end in death, but then he takes 4 days to journey to the family’s side–not exactly hurrying, if you ask me.  When he arrives, Jesus finds that Lazarus has been gone for 4 days and after he comforts the family, he steps to the tomb and calls, “Lazarus, come out!”  Lazarus is resurrected from the dead and his family and friends rejoice. 

Mrs. Weaver uses this story to spell out for us some important lessons we can learn for approaching the tragedies in our own lives…I’m using most of this info directly from the book–it was too good to paraphrase!

1)      God’s will does not always proceed in a straight line.  “This means that I will not always see a clear connection between point A and point B.  I won’t always see the pattern in what happens to me.  I won’t always understand the plan…but God always has a plan—it may not follow human logic and it may even seem to go against what we believe about God…Why  would God allow such sorrow to come to a family who loved him so much?  Why would he withhold the power to heal when he’d healed to often before?…There are no easy answers, nor are we guaranteed any explanations.  We are only given the promise ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.’ (Revelation 21:4)…Trials are real and bad things happen to good people.  We who are Christians do not escape life, we overcome life: ‘In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.’ (Romans 8:37)…”

I know that some of the questions she poses above are questions we have asked, whether in our hearts, journals or out loud.  I’d love to hear what you think of these verses she’s posted in response…Do you believe that God will wipe the tears of mourning from your eyes?  Do you believe that God can help you overcome your grief and conqueror your past, present and future?  Or is it still hard to wrap your heart and mind around where God has been in your life over the days, weeks, months, years since your world seemed to come down around you?  What does the all-encompassing truth of his love for you mean to you?

I’m anxiously awaiting your thoughts…please post and share what’s on your heart or mind!  Let these questions give you a starting point, but don’t feel you have to answer any or all of them–just blog and let us work through the tough stuff together.  I’ll be back tomorrow with the next lesson from the story of Lazarus…Alaina